savannah44 (savannah44) wrote in step_parenting,

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Advice about Soon to be Step Kids and my wedding?

Advice about Soon to be Step Kids and my wedding?  
 I and my Fiance' have been together 1 1/2 years, I've been divorced 3 1/2 years, he 2 1/2 years... His X has had a man in her life the whole time they have been apart.  His kids seemed to really like me and want me around until we recently got engaged and are getting married in January.  He has 4 kids, 21 boy, 18 girl, 17 boy, 14 girl.  The boys are fine, they are like... "We like that you are happy now Dad... whatever you want is cool with us."  The girls however are another story.   His oldest is very manipulative and tries to control him like her mom used to, and the youngest is pretty much following in her footsteps.

My dilemna is this.....   I am very close to my daughters 18 and 21 and want them to be my bridesmaids... My fiance' understands that and understands that I don't really want to have his dauthers as bridesmaids since they don't want us to be engaged or get married, but he is having a hard time deciding what to do about groomsmen.  I think he should have his sons do that.. and I thought of his oldest daughter doing a bible verse during the ceremony and his youngest being in charge of the guest book or something like that....  It seems like the boys shouldn't miss out on getting to be there for their Dad just because the girls will be mad.... What do other people think?  

The groom doesn't traditionally get to pick the bridesmaids... right??

I'm kind of miserable now when it should be a very happy and fun time instead of feeling dread.....  

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First and foremost, it's your wedding and you should do what makes you happy. That being said, there may be a compromise. Maybe the girls could be groomswomen or could be involved in another way that wasn't neccessarily bridesmaids. Also, though, if you did feel comfortable including them as bridesmaids and spending that extra time with them may help them get to know you and help de-stress the relationship (but it may not, so it might make things more stressful!)

They are old enough that you could ask them to what capasity they would like to be included, and that would probably be your best answer for how things might go. Good luck!
I did include them as reading a verse and the youngest doing guestbook or being in charge of the gift table or something along those lines.. they both think they should be bridesmaids? I guess I just always thought those were the brides best friends, closest relatives.. not two girls who are almost daily calling and trying to get their Dad to not get married. We are of course both divorced, renting, not alot of money, and don't want to spend money on a big reception/dance etc. and that is upsetting them too.. I'm just feeling so frustrated.
I think it's perfectly acceptable to choose who you want for bridesmaids. You only have two children, right? So it makes sense to me that your two girls are bridesmaids and his two boys are groomsmen. I think that no matter what you do, because of the way you describe the girls, that they will not be pleased. This doesn't mean you should cease to try to bond with them or be nice to them, but there's no rule that says they have to be in your wedding party!

But if you're really worried about looking like the bad guy and don't want to offend, maybe you consider NO wedding party? Just the two of you?

I'm sorry that you're stressed. Blending families is tough, but even tougher when they are teenagers. I just got married myself, but our kids are little and we are lucky to have one boy and one girl so the wedding worked out well!

I think you should go with your gut. Relationships change. Even if you aren't so great with those girls now and they bring it up years from now that you didn't make them bridesmaids, it will make sense. If you are friends with them in years to come, they will understand why they weren't included. If you are still enemies, then they may never understand, and really, what's the point? Just have a great wedding (as if it's that easy)!
Thanks Melissa,

That makes a lot of sense about not making it be the making or breaking point and realizing we will have more time to try to "blend" after the wedding. We thought about eloping, honestly, but I am very close to my two daughters, we've been through alot in the last five years and they are so excited to see me happy and really wanted to be at the wedding & they just adore my fiance'. We at one time thought about just taking the two of them with us to Vegas and getting married, maybe we should go back to that plan!! lol