kattaco (kattaco) wrote in step_parenting,
kattaco
kattaco
step_parenting

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Bad visitation weekend

 Well,  to shorten it up; SD(7) won't eat unless we eat out most of the time. Which we cannot afford.  I understand her not wanting to eat vegtables, but eggs as well. and simple things.. We asked her how she wanted her eggs, she says either runny or scrambled. Ok, we make them that way.. *sigh* she won't eat it. we put cheese and ham in, which she says she likes... yeah.. no go.

We tell her right out, ok, if you do not eat then you will not be able to have birthday cake and ice cream later this afternoon.  Doesn't work. we were having her sit with us, when we were done after 15 or 20 minutes of actually eating, and her sitting there chewing one things for half that time, then she has to put her plate up. Well, saturday night she was a ltitle too eager to put her plate up. So, since we had asked her her choice which she replied 'going to finish dinner', we decided to let her sit there. heh. she ate 2 bites fast. so. now we've gone back to letting her sit there tills she's done.  Sunday she normally loves to dilly dally because she knows that she can go back to her mom and mommy will feed her if she's hungry and she doesn't have to eat anything we make.  So. we decided a different approach. we started dinner an hour before she was supposed to meet mommy. it takes about 12 minutes to get over there so that gave her about 45 minutes to eat.. heh.. so, she starts throwing a fit about eating. So, we decided to tell her that we cannot go and meet mommy until you finish your dinner. Bigger fit comes out. She doesnt like this at all. So, in DH's ear i ask him if we could call her mom, in front of her, and tell her that we are still waiting because munchkin will not finish dinner. Mommy doesn't like this, and munchkin knows that mommy is upset. She does finnish eventually. But I think we are now going to continue with the 'we cannot meet mommy until you finish eating'.  At least until she finds a way to work around this one..  See, mommy won't back us up with her eating unless it's things that she KNOWs SD likes. But that's all SD is given at her mom's. We are the mean one's that make her eat vegys. We make her try new things. We are trying to teach that sometimes there are things that you won't like when you go to other peoples house it's good to just eat the bad stuff quickly and then you have nothing but good stuff left. Well, unless she decides that she doesn't want to eat ANYTHING!!

Something else that came up this weekend. We were sitting and talking to munchkin at meal time. Talking about foods liked and disliked. Munchkin says something about not eating something at mommys house. So i mention, 'ehy, your mom says that you have been telling her that you dislike mac and cheese and cream corn.'.   she looks at me. 'mommy said that?" 'yep, mommy and i talked and that's what you said. she was surprised when i told her you eat it here!. she said she asks you if you want it and you tell her that you hate it!'.  so.. what i said to this is.. saying you hate it is a lie, huh?  How bout instead you say 'I really don't want it right now"!  SD then replies with 'I should really tell mommy that i do like it." I thought it went well..  heh. but  Later talking with DH, he gets really mad at me saying that I called her a liar and that I shouldn't have done that. that he 'disagreed' with me.  I told him that something i was told often is that i need to call her on her lies, cuz then she uses them a lot during the summer with me.  That topic turned into a big issue between us, he says that she simply misused her words and that i shouldn't have called her a liar and that taste buds change often and it's not a lie to say you like one food one day but not the next. I told him that i was pointing out a lie and that i backed it up with a different word she could use. And she's not going back and forth saying she likes things. she will state flat out and refuse to eat, something at our house but not at her moms, or vise versa.  That was an unpleasant arguement that got absolutely NO WHERE!!  Well, the eating issue's went on ALL weekend!! She lost out on birthday cake saturday. She got to play in a huge pool with kids her age. She seemed to have fun, though she kept seperating her self form the party because they didn't want to play her game, or something.  Both Scott and I had to mention to her that she would't like it if everyone came to her birthday party but didn't want to play with her, so she needed to try and play with the other kids.  

sunday, she woke up and sat on the couch, she kinda threw up bubbles and then looks at me whimpering and says she threw up... ok, yes i could have been a little more compasionate, but my response to her NOT yelling at her was 'well, go clean yourself up.' Because she was just sitting there staring at me.  *shrug*.   I told her she was not in trouble, but to this 7 yr old, cleaning up is just wiping it off and then changing clothes. SO i had her wash her hands and wash off where she threw up. *sigh*.  Then, I asked her if her tummy was still upset. she said "no".  She was acting her normal self.  I asked her if she could feel her tummy was unhappy before she threw up and she said "yes". So later when DH's and I spoke of this and he felt that she shouldn't have had to eat more than a bite of the sandwhich he said it because she couldn't tell the difference between her tummy being upset or not. I disagree with this. Just because she didn't know she was going to throw up, doens't mean she cannot tell if her tummy is upset. Anyways, making the egg the way she likes it, she gagged herself so she wouldn't eat it. Then said her stomach was still upset, but then changed it saying she just didn't like the sandwhich then later told us it was both.  (THIS is one of the reasons I call her lies a lie, cuz i don't want her to continue to change her answer to suit herself, which she does a LOT!)  Scott asked her if she would eat it if he made it the way mommy does. Well, she makes the eggs in a basket, pretty much the same thing as a fried eggs sandwhich. so. I suggested, instead of making it the way mommy makes, make it our way and show her that it tastes the same.  WIth MUCH protest he did, and sure enough she ate it. But we figured she would considering it was lunch time and she refused to eat this morning AND we had a talk with her about eating things.  But because of the way she was acting this morning, we weren't sure we should take her to a party. I had been told there would be some swimming but there would also be activities for the kids. So, Scott decided that he was going to tell her, no sugar, I.E cake and ice cream. Because she was forcing herself to throw up to get out of eating, which she tried to do 3 times but didn't. He also told her no swimming.  We both wanted to go to the birthday party but were torn due to her being rewarded for her bad behavior all weekend. *sigh* so after much debating we decided to go. But she would not be allowed to join in the fun. or that's what he said.  So, what hapeneds, we get there and she's wanting some chocolate dirt,(good stuff). All I said to her was use your maners. I didn't say she could have it, i was *HOPING* her father would chime in cuz then he wouldn't be mad at me for telling her one thing or anohter. Yah, he didn't. So she got it. He didn't even seem phased by the sugar. *sigh* then. she was playing with the play doh, having fun. Um.. so. I quietly pulled him aside and asked him if he had changed the plan? I said, um.. you said no sugar, she's eating Chocolate. You said no playing, she's supposed to be in trouble, um. yeah.. that's sooo happeneing.  I was sooo frustrated. I walked outside by the pool and the birthday boys mom.

I'm soo frustrated with him.  I'm sorry this is so long but had a LOT to write from this weekend. I asked him if he just wanted me to stop being a 'parental' role toward her, he said no. He says we need to continue with him kicking up the discipline and me backing down from it a little.  I have been, but when he doesn't respond to her then my mind kicks it up a little to make up for him. He puts down a rule, tells her it will be inforced. Tells her there are punishments for choice made incorectly. SImple things like table manners. HE wants to push these.  But except for this weekend, he doesn't. SO. .i started just tapping him on the leg if she's doing something so that i was not disciplining.  I think that is me backing down and this weekend he was kicking it up a notch. He did really good at responding to her and using his voice for the first few hours. then. it's like he just switched it off. He got defensive about something. I was asking her a question and he just got totally defensive. Pissed me off. SO he can continue to ask her questions different ways making sure she understands, repeating himself, but if I do, OOOh.. bad me!

*sigh* I know my relationship is a good one.I know that we all hit lows and highs. I KNOW this. Im just really frustrated still this morning.  Glad I have a journal to vent in.   
I think i'm done. I have other things to do.
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