shakTi-TigRRR (shaktitigrrr) wrote in step_parenting,

I am a new member

I will come back at a better time tomorrow (it's 4:39 am here-- I need to go to sleep!) and post my bio and all that. But I just wanted to put it out there to the community that sometimes I feel like I emphatically do NOT want to have children with my partner. His daughter lives with his ex wife downtown. He sees her usually one day a week on the weekends, sometimes on both days, anywhere from 1 to 12 hours. His marriage was a terrible fiasco. He has a lot of issues comfortably relating to his daughter. I look at it all and just think-- You made such terrible decisions! Sometimes I feel (although I know he loves her truly) that he is not a good parent at all. And that even though I would consider having children that I do not want to have children with him and connect myself even more to his "other" life, the ex-wife and all that. Also I start thinking that if I got pregnant and we were going through having a kid I would be mentally plagued by their whole insane drama (unplanned and high risk pregnancy they went through, marriage, with after only knowing each other a few months). I would be maddened thinking that it reminded him of the first time he had a child and thus his ex. Or that it wouldnt be as important. Worse of all I would be comparing it in my head. The thought of been plagued by the thoughts is enough to make me never ever want to have children with him. I know its convoluted, but has anyone ever had this experience or these thoughts? And even if you haven't, do you have any thoughts? I obviously have jealousy/ anger issues that I know.....
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