All of my friends are calling me a "dinosaur" for getting back on LJ, and so I am requesting some new LJ friends....Obviously you guys have the same interests as I do so if you don't mind...can you please add me? Any Takers??
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So I was really excited when I found this community, but now I'm noticing that no one has posted on it in quite some time...Is anyone still out there? I want to get feed back and share my step-parenting issues!!!
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Wanted to introduce myself. I'm Cheryl I'm 28 and not new to LJ, but it's been a good two years or so since I had an account.
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I live with my boyfriend, whom which I was engaged to 9 years ago. He and I split and we both got married and had kids. We both divorced in 07 and became close again and now live together with my two kids and his three.
My ex lives in OK so I have full custody of my kids and they visit him every three months for a month (son is on year around school). His kids he has 50% custody of and has every other week. That has been a chore for him, let me tell you.
Anyway, that is the gist of it...
Ok so my step son, who just turned 4 in Feb. moved to Kentucky also in Feb. My husband is deploying and while his son loves me (im the only loving woman figure in his life...his mom only likes the idea of being a mom, not the reality), he still was moved across the country from me for the year that my husband is deployed. He figured that I was still new in the picture and that it is hard enough to understand where he is going for a year without being all alone with this new person... I honestly feel a little hurt. I can partly understand...he is young and sensitive...He probably should be with people he has known his whole life during this confusing time...but I miss him. It almost feels like I am not trusted, even though I know thats not it at all!!!!
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My husband says that he doesnt wanna give me heart failure since all this is new to me too! All of a sudden im a parent to a 4 year old little boy. He is already a little person with his own opinions. And now here I am. BAM! Talk about confusing.
We had a talk with him shortly before the wedding and explained that i married his Daddy and I am going to help Daddy take care of him. He didnt come out of my belly and thats why Im a step mom and not just mom. So he says he gets it and will ask his dad on the phone "Can I talk to my step mom now?!"
Around christmas time he ran up to me and wrapped himself around my legs and looked up at me saying, "You are the best mama ever!!!" It brought tears to my eyes...
Wow, I went off on a tangent. Back to the point: So I am a little upset that I am not aloud to be with my step son during this time. I cant help but wonder if the relationship between the two of us will suffer with this seperation or if he is young enough that talking on the phone will keep our relationship where it is during this year. Any comments?
Hello! I am new to the community and wanted to introduce myself. My name is Dana, and I am 25. I never wanted to be in this situation, in fact when a mutual friend tried to hook my fiance and I up, I declined because he has a daughter. Eventually I gave in though, I figured it might not work out anyway, so what is the harm in a date... we have been together (pretty much) everyday since that first date.
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The situation is as follows, my lease is about to go up on my apartment and we are going to be moving in together. FH and I will be moving in together, along with his daughter, whom he has joint custody of. I have never lived with a child, I always imagined that I would learn how to parent with a baby, not a 3, almost 4 year old. I would lie if i said i wasn't concerned. I am open to any advice people are willing to give me, or just any support at all. I am sure i will be on here a lot asking for opinions.
This is already long, but i do have a first question to ask. Have you ever heard a situation was going on at the other parents house that you just did not believe was safe? How did you react to this/ what actions did you take? I don't want to come in and seem like the pushy new girl, but if someone is endangering the life of a child I have a problem with it.
I just had a moment that I need to share, because often our lives are full or trials and tribulations...
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We had friends over for dinner tonight and at the end of playing with the other child, engaging us all in her play, while respecting our adult space, and brushing teeth when we asked, and coming to sit on the couch to cuddle, my step-daughter says to me, in the midst of the most grandiose hug I've yet received from her:
"You're the best mom ever. I don't know what I would have done without you."
This, after 6 years. This, after difficult morning before school and her plucking a gem out of the garden that I've asked her not to touch and, having been very clear about said garden-pluckage...
And then, immediately and circumstantially, I sat and rocked her, 10 seconds later, at 8yo, to Bonnie Raitt's "...and home sings me of sweet things; my life there has its own wings; fly over the mountain, though I'm standing still..."
And she said, "I love my home here."
Someone asked, So I thought I'd do it!
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1.)I'm going to make it a MAJOR point to not stress over my SD situation and the BM differences. Every Kid is different, Every parent is different..
2.) Work out the issue's in parenting that cause the problems between my husband and I.
3.) Get Carpal Tunnel Surgery. Recover. Move on with my life.
Anybody else have one?
Does anyone even do this anymore?
Advice about Soon to be Step Kids and my wedding?
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I and my Fiance' have been together 1 1/2 years, I've been divorced 3 1/2 years, he 2 1/2 years... His X has had a man in her life the whole time they have been apart. His kids seemed to really like me and want me around until we recently got engaged and are getting married in January. He has 4 kids, 21 boy, 18 girl, 17 boy, 14 girl. The boys are fine, they are like... "We like that you are happy now Dad... whatever you want is cool with us." The girls however are another story. His oldest is very manipulative and tries to control him like her mom used to, and the youngest is pretty much following in her footsteps.
My dilemna is this..... I am very close to my daughters 18 and 21 and want them to be my bridesmaids... My fiance' understands that and understands that I don't really want to have his dauthers as bridesmaids since they don't want us to be engaged or get married, but he is having a hard time deciding what to do about groomsmen. I think he should have his sons do that.. and I thought of his oldest daughter doing a bible verse during the ceremony and his youngest being in charge of the guest book or something like that.... It seems like the boys shouldn't miss out on getting to be there for their Dad just because the girls will be mad.... What do other people think?
The groom doesn't traditionally get to pick the bridesmaids... right??
I'm kind of miserable now when it should be a very happy and fun time instead of feeling dread.....
So my step daughter is 11. she livs full time with my husband and I. Yesterday our nwighbors caught her smoking! Me and my husband quit smoking a few months ago so that the kdis wouldnt have to be around smoke! so its kinda a slap in the face. he suggested making her smoke a cigar or a whole pack of ciggarettes! i think thats a little extreme and probably not helpfull. if any one has any suggestions i could totally use some help!
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Have you ever seen a living situation, that contained a child in it, that made you think about calling Child Protective services on them? Did you act on those thoughts? What if they were a long time friend of your's? What was the outcome if you did?
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Well, to shorten it up; SD(7) won't eat unless we eat out most of the time. Which we cannot afford. I understand her not wanting to eat vegtables, but eggs as well. and simple things.. We asked her how she wanted her eggs, she says either runny or scrambled. Ok, we make them that way.. *sigh* she won't eat it. we put cheese and ham in, which she says she likes... yeah.. no go.
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We tell her right out, ok, if you do not eat then you will not be able to have birthday cake and ice cream later this afternoon. Doesn't work. we were having her sit with us, when we were done after 15 or 20 minutes of actually eating, and her sitting there chewing one things for half that time, then she has to put her plate up. Well, saturday night she was a ltitle too eager to put her plate up. So, since we had asked her her choice which she replied 'going to finish dinner', we decided to let her sit there. heh. she ate 2 bites fast. so. now we've gone back to letting her sit there tills she's done. Sunday she normally loves to dilly dally because she knows that she can go back to her mom and mommy will feed her if she's hungry and she doesn't have to eat anything we make. So. we decided a different approach. we started dinner an hour before she was supposed to meet mommy. it takes about 12 minutes to get over there so that gave her about 45 minutes to eat.. heh.. so, she starts throwing a fit about eating. So, we decided to tell her that we cannot go and meet mommy until you finish your dinner. Bigger fit comes out. She doesnt like this at all. So, in DH's ear i ask him if we could call her mom, in front of her, and tell her that we are still waiting because munchkin will not finish dinner. Mommy doesn't like this, and munchkin knows that mommy is upset. She does finnish eventually. But I think we are now going to continue with the 'we cannot meet mommy until you finish eating'. At least until she finds a way to work around this one.. See, mommy won't back us up with her eating unless it's things that she KNOWs SD likes. But that's all SD is given at her mom's. We are the mean one's that make her eat vegys. We make her try new things. We are trying to teach that sometimes there are things that you won't like when you go to other peoples house it's good to just eat the bad stuff quickly and then you have nothing but good stuff left. Well, unless she decides that she doesn't want to eat ANYTHING!!
Something else that came up this weekend. We were sitting and talking to munchkin at meal time. Talking about foods liked and disliked. Munchkin says something about not eating something at mommys house. So i mention, 'ehy, your mom says that you have been telling her that you dislike mac and cheese and cream corn.'. she looks at me. 'mommy said that?" 'yep, mommy and i talked and that's what you said. she was surprised when i told her you eat it here!. she said she asks you if you want it and you tell her that you hate it!'. so.. what i said to this is.. saying you hate it is a lie, huh? How bout instead you say 'I really don't want it right now"! SD then replies with 'I should really tell mommy that i do like it." I thought it went well.. heh. but Later talking with DH, he gets really mad at me saying that I called her a liar and that I shouldn't have done that. that he 'disagreed' with me. I told him that something i was told often is that i need to call her on her lies, cuz then she uses them a lot during the summer with me. That topic turned into a big issue between us, he says that she simply misused her words and that i shouldn't have called her a liar and that taste buds change often and it's not a lie to say you like one food one day but not the next. I told him that i was pointing out a lie and that i backed it up with a different word she could use. And she's not going back and forth saying she likes things. she will state flat out and refuse to eat, something at our house but not at her moms, or vise versa. That was an unpleasant arguement that got absolutely NO WHERE!! Well, the eating issue's went on ALL weekend!! She lost out on birthday cake saturday. She got to play in a huge pool with kids her age. She seemed to have fun, though she kept seperating her self form the party because they didn't want to play her game, or something. Both Scott and I had to mention to her that she would't like it if everyone came to her birthday party but didn't want to play with her, so she needed to try and play with the other kids.
sunday, she woke up and sat on the couch, she kinda threw up bubbles and then looks at me whimpering and says she threw up... ok, yes i could have been a little more compasionate, but my response to her NOT yelling at her was 'well, go clean yourself up.' Because she was just sitting there staring at me. *shrug*. I told her she was not in trouble, but to this 7 yr old, cleaning up is just wiping it off and then changing clothes. SO i had her wash her hands and wash off where she threw up. *sigh*. Then, I asked her if her tummy was still upset. she said "no". She was acting her normal self. I asked her if she could feel her tummy was unhappy before she threw up and she said "yes". So later when DH's and I spoke of this and he felt that she shouldn't have had to eat more than a bite of the sandwhich he said it because she couldn't tell the difference between her tummy being upset or not. I disagree with this. Just because she didn't know she was going to throw up, doens't mean she cannot tell if her tummy is upset. Anyways, making the egg the way she likes it, she gagged herself so she wouldn't eat it. Then said her stomach was still upset, but then changed it saying she just didn't like the sandwhich then later told us it was both. (THIS is one of the reasons I call her lies a lie, cuz i don't want her to continue to change her answer to suit herself, which she does a LOT!) Scott asked her if she would eat it if he made it the way mommy does. Well, she makes the eggs in a basket, pretty much the same thing as a fried eggs sandwhich. so. I suggested, instead of making it the way mommy makes, make it our way and show her that it tastes the same. WIth MUCH protest he did, and sure enough she ate it. But we figured she would considering it was lunch time and she refused to eat this morning AND we had a talk with her about eating things. But because of the way she was acting this morning, we weren't sure we should take her to a party. I had been told there would be some swimming but there would also be activities for the kids. So, Scott decided that he was going to tell her, no sugar, I.E cake and ice cream. Because she was forcing herself to throw up to get out of eating, which she tried to do 3 times but didn't. He also told her no swimming. We both wanted to go to the birthday party but were torn due to her being rewarded for her bad behavior all weekend. *sigh* so after much debating we decided to go. But she would not be allowed to join in the fun. or that's what he said. So, what hapeneds, we get there and she's wanting some chocolate dirt,(good stuff). All I said to her was use your maners. I didn't say she could have it, i was *HOPING* her father would chime in cuz then he wouldn't be mad at me for telling her one thing or anohter. Yah, he didn't. So she got it. He didn't even seem phased by the sugar. *sigh* then. she was playing with the play doh, having fun. Um.. so. I quietly pulled him aside and asked him if he had changed the plan? I said, um.. you said no sugar, she's eating Chocolate. You said no playing, she's supposed to be in trouble, um. yeah.. that's sooo happeneing. I was sooo frustrated. I walked outside by the pool and the birthday boys mom.
I'm soo frustrated with him. I'm sorry this is so long but had a LOT to write from this weekend. I asked him if he just wanted me to stop being a 'parental' role toward her, he said no. He says we need to continue with him kicking up the discipline and me backing down from it a little. I have been, but when he doesn't respond to her then my mind kicks it up a little to make up for him. He puts down a rule, tells her it will be inforced. Tells her there are punishments for choice made incorectly. SImple things like table manners. HE wants to push these. But except for this weekend, he doesn't. SO. .i started just tapping him on the leg if she's doing something so that i was not disciplining. I think that is me backing down and this weekend he was kicking it up a notch. He did really good at responding to her and using his voice for the first few hours. then. it's like he just switched it off. He got defensive about something. I was asking her a question and he just got totally defensive. Pissed me off. SO he can continue to ask her questions different ways making sure she understands, repeating himself, but if I do, OOOh.. bad me!
*sigh* I know my relationship is a good one.I know that we all hit lows and highs. I KNOW this. Im just really frustrated still this morning. Glad I have a journal to vent in.
I think i'm done. I have other things to do.
For all of you that have gone through the trauma of a broken family to then enter into a new, what I'll call, Co-mingled unit, you can probably relate.
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Our co-mingled unit is made up of 5 individuals plus 3 animals. My offspring, Justin 14, and Marie 12, and Taboo are joined with Chris's progeny - Christopher 30, Melissa 26, Megan 24, Puppy and Princess.
The latter except Puppy are all out of the house, kinda..... Melissa has a brood of Jacob 7, and Mikey 4; and also is the keeper of Puppy. Puppy is a rotated visitation due to his bratiness between us, Melissa, and Megan.
The Brady Bunch had six kids, no pets, a housekeeper, and all resided happily under the roof. Unless you never heard the opening theme song, I would doubt that you would realize that they were a Co-mingled Unit. They were so pleasant, getting along and never showed any animosity towards their respective step parent.
Let me give you some bio stuff for your reading pleasure. This will take more than one entry, as i need to yell at Justin when he gets home. My mom always wished a kid of mine would be just like I was and I got it!!!
As I might have discussed in prior posts, I'm from Brooklyn. Brooklyn, New York that is! yup, home of the original Dodgers, egg creams, lime rickeys, 2 cents plain, The honeymooners, and of course bagels. I had hooked up with a gal from the suburbs in college, unheard of not to be with someone from the neighborhood. Spent the next 15 years of my life with her, moved out of the city, had the 2 kids, house, you know the deal, then it all fell apart. As ugly as any divorce goes, we had it.
Chris, also was married for 15 years, and she had the ugliest of divorces as well. We were both the victims, I guess, since we were cheated on. Trust is a big deal for us! she had been single for about three years when we met through a mutual acquaintance, also, by coincidence, going through the ugliest of divorces. See a theme here...... I was still separated, awaiting the blessed decree, and I'll tell you, if it wasn't for this lady, i don't think i would have made it, and more importantly, the kids probably would not have been seeing their mom today. A decision that she might be regretting today. Chris, that is - that's another journal all in itself.
Well enough for now...
SD's mom and I are getting along better. I thought it was kewl that after she sad there arguing with Z online for awhile, she picked up the phone, called me, and we came to a compromise in 5 minutes. That's awesome. I also talked online with her for a bit about the rules she has in her house vs. our house. They are not as different as munchkins keeps telling her dad and I. heh. So. Her mom said she was going to try and make it so that munchkin see that she's doing them in her house so that it's not that traumatic when she's here. Hopefully that will work. Not just that, her mom told me that she was very disappointed in how Munchkin treated me and behaved this summer and she's been talking to her about respecting me and our house. So.. these are some awesome things that are going on here. Hopefully this will continue.
Need Advise Part!!!!
My step-daughter is adopted. Plain and simple. This does not bother myself or my family. We love her just the same. However, Her adopted parents had agreed to tell SD about this by the time she was this age. She will be 7 in two weeks. I am still friends with SD's Birth parents, as we were all part of a large hang out group since before SD was conceived.
I am getting more and more worried about SD not knowing she's adopted. i've talked with some of my friends, some that have been adopted and some that have adopted out. I know both ends of the scale on people that were adopted, one that wasn't told until he was 18 and the other that was told when he was at least 5. The one that knew at a younger age took it a lot better than the older one. Munchkin is going to have enough problems in school as she gets older, friends, teachers, classes. I think that she should be told before she leaves elementary school. I think she should be told before she's 9 really. But that's not that far away. I"m concerned on the impact it will have on her. Even right now at her age it's going to have an impact. I was going to ask her parents if I could start talking about my family being her adopted family. They did sorta adopt her into the family. Or to make notice that my friends that have known her a really long time are her Adopted aunt and uncle. I have several "unofficially adopted" family members. So.. At some point her mom told Z that it was not place to be part of telling munchkin. I'm not sure if that has changed at all but I hope that i can be there to help munchkin to see that it's ok. She has sooo much family that love her. I just hope she see's that. I guess i'm afraid too that if they wait to long, we are all going to loose that sweetness she shows us. I'm afraid she will pull back and only show us resentment. I'm more afraid because it's not my place to tell her but yet i want to really bad. But i know that if i do, There goes that relationship with munchkins mother. THAT would be a bad thing.
So. I'm torn.. what's advise or words can you guys offer??
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My husband found this repont on Yahoo! news
Wanted to see what parents thought about this?
I can see a positive in it.. But my husband see's a lot of it as "invading privacy and taking charge of our life".
Chips: High tech aids or tracking tools?
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By TODD LEWAN, AP National Writer Sun Jul 22, 6:23 AM ET
CityWatcher.com, a provider of surveillance equipment, attracted little notice itself — until a year ago, when two of its employees had glass-encapsulated microchips with miniature antennas embedded in their forearms.
The "chipping" of two workers with RFIDs — radio frequency identification tags as long as two grains of rice, as thick as a toothpick — was merely a way of restricting access to vaults that held sensitive data and images for police departments, a layer of security beyond key cards and clearance codes, the company said.
"To protect high-end secure data, you use more sophisticated techniques," Sean Darks, chief executive of the Cincinnati-based company, said. He compared chip implants to retina scans or fingerprinting. "There's a reader outside the door; you walk up to the reader, put your arm under it, and it opens the door."( Read more...Collapse )
Ok here goes. My step daughter is a complete handful. She is only eight years old but is really out of control. She lies about absolutely everything. I mean literally if she is standing on the stairs and you ask her why she just looks at you and says I am not on the stairs. There is nothing she will tell the truth about. Then another things she does is she steals. She steals from stores, kids at school, even her own mother. Anything that she can get her hands on she takes.
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If there is anyone here that has any ideas about what to do it would be great. I am at a complete loss. We have tried everything we can think of to get her to stop with all the lies and the stealing. I just am not sure what to do. There doesn't even seem to be any sort of punishment for her that will make her see it is wrong. Even if I just try talking to her nothing works. So if there is any advice I am all ears.
Those of you step parents I have a question!
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How many of you pay child support if you have the child for the summer?
Is it uncommon to request that while the child is with you for the summer (we have her for 45 days) that we should not be paying child support and instead use the money to provide for the child while she is with us??
I need your responses here!!!
This Saturday was our wedding day. It turned out very little as I had imagined it... Some good, some totally messed up some outright bad. LOL.
Lets just start with saying that The last two years have had the temperature of
89 degrees. But not this year. NOooo. I was 39 degrees. To most people, this
Wouldn't be such a bad thing. That is unless you have catered your ceremony AND Reception to being Completely OUTDOORS. Yes, we did have a backup for weather, however It still put a total cramp on the plans of the day. I ended up getting there later than I wanted, but that's normal right? Then, the wedding planner was there several hours late. On my drive out there I received a call from my Cake lady, The person I rented the tables clothes from AND the florist all telling me that they would be later. The cake was the only thing there around the time it was supposed to be there. The flowers were supposed to be there at noon. They arrived after 2pm. The tables clothes arrived around that time as well, when they were supposed to be there around 11am. *sigh* Did I mention that the ceremony was supposed to start at 2pm?? Yeah. Because of the weather everything was thrown off. People got lost or didn't come due to bad weather.
At some point during the ceremony I heard of several people who claimed that they had new batteries in their camera's that just died. The video camera used to record everything died just before I was supposed to walk out. My stepmother decided to claim me as her daughter, which is great sometimes, until she tries to BE my mother. My wedding planner decided to throw a tantrum because she couldn't control everything that went on. SeVERAL people there wanted to kill her because of her issue's. My bridesmaid wanted to strangle her because she was standing around talking with nothing being done, but when my bridesmaid tried to get stuff done the planner was pissed because people were moving everything.
My Alabama family did a fantastic job. My uncle and cousin saved the day in so many ways by them digging in and fixing things. I couldn't thank them enough on Saturday and Sunday. My cousin Kandi took lots of photo's an was my gopher for the day. She was awesome. So, all in all, being a crazy day I have to force myself to look at the positive.
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SD(6) was totally awesome. On the drive out there it was SD, Myself, my dad and step mother. SD took to my dad and my SM quickly and firmly. All of my family loves this kid. She was so affectionate out to the ceramony that she had me tearing up. She told me a number of times that she loved me. At the rehersal she even called me "mom" and didn't correct herself. It was cute. This is great considering the we had some serious problems the last weekend we had her. We are having issue's with Lies again and her eating. The things we are using to change this, SD went home and told BM and she flipped. BM says SD is having a really hard time adjusting to the new situation but we dont' see it when she's with us. We fear that she is simply acting out to what she thinks each parent wants.. but. .anways.. enough bad. I wanted to share that SD was awesome this weekend. And so I have. heh
I will come back at a better time tomorrow (it's 4:39 am here-- I need to go to sleep!) and post my bio and all that. But I just wanted to put it out there to the community that sometimes I feel like I emphatically do NOT want to have children with my partner. His daughter lives with his ex wife downtown. He sees her usually one day a week on the weekends, sometimes on both days, anywhere from 1 to 12 hours. His marriage was a terrible fiasco. He has a lot of issues comfortably relating to his daughter. I look at it all and just think-- You made such terrible decisions! Sometimes I feel (although I know he loves her truly) that he is not a good parent at all. And that even though I would consider having children that I do not want to have children with him and connect myself even more to his "other" life, the ex-wife and all that. Also I start thinking that if I got pregnant and we were going through having a kid I would be mentally plagued by their whole insane drama (unplanned and high risk pregnancy they went through, marriage, with after only knowing each other a few months). I would be maddened thinking that it reminded him of the first time he had a child and thus his ex. Or that it wouldnt be as important. Worse of all I would be comparing it in my head. The thought of been plagued by the thoughts is enough to make me never ever want to have children with him. I know its convoluted, but has anyone ever had this experience or these thoughts? And even if you haven't, do you have any thoughts? I obviously have jealousy/ anger issues that I know.....
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Tomorrow SD(6) is out of school for holiday break. Which means she is to stay with us until the day after christmas. A big part of me is excited. I don't work during the day so she is definetly something different for my day. However. This child has a very small attention span. She's used to being catered to by BM. She gets what, where and when she wants it. If you know what I mean. I'm all about spoiling kids, but there are limits.
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Anyways. S/O and I are having issue's with her eating. BM only feeds her exactly what she wants. We do not. We make normal meas. Meat/vegys/pasta or rice or something. You know what I mean. Well. We had been bribing her to eat with a "grab bag" item if she eats her meal with no issue's. Now. We don't give her much at all. for example. Last night we had a boxed meal of lasagna. It was pretty good. Her serving size was about half a cup. That's not much. She didn't even eat half and started in with the "My tummy hurts." which means she doesn't want to eat more, NOT a she's full. So turned to me and said,
"i'm sorry, I don't want dessert and i can't finish my dinner. "
OYE. So. we told her no dessert. She starts in with the waterworks and tries to hug us. Now, I'm not sure if this is right, but we have been telling her that she's not in trouble but that she can't have anything else. Is this correct? I mean. Normaly , this trick would work well, but since we only have her every other weekend that's not much time to teach her. S/O tried to talk to BM last night and let her know that she told us she did not want any dessert because she was too full for dinner. He had to tell her twice that it was because she didn't like what we made and BM pretty much just shrugged it off. How do we deal with this issue? Is this a battle that we are not going to win? I understand that children understand certain rules with certain households. I did. PLEASE? can someone offer some tips here to help us? She doesn't want to eat anything we serve. Even if she says she likes it. THen makes a big deal then cries then runs home to mom and gets what she wants.. Not just that but we are heartbroken when we watch her get ready to head back to moms and she's sooo excited. She's not excited about being around us.. What can we do here without caving in like her mom does????